Faith to LEAP.

Ummm yep--it's been a long time since I've written.  However, today is one of those days I wanted to get my thoughts out in words :)

I've been learning a lot about faith this semester and how much I still have to learn/how far I still have to go!  I've realized I lack more faith than I thought and it's been neat to be humbled and realize that I need to TRUST God.  But, like, FULLY trust Him.  I mean I do trust Him!  I really do want Him to take my life and make of it what He wants and want Him to mold me into who I can become. I'm totally fine to put my life into His hands.  However, I think the lack of trust comes from me wanting to know what's going to happen :) Sometimes I put my life in His hands and then pretty much say, "Here you go!  It's yours! But, like, can you tell me what you're going to do with it??! :)" How do you get to the point where you can fully let go and not need to know? :) Workin on it!

It's also been a rough semester in that, never before in my life has negative self-talk ever been so LOUD in my life!  I feel like Satan's been at it over-time and I was listening to/paying attention to His negative voice all day long, every single day.  Thoughts of self doubt, failure, negativity, etc kept replaying over and over again!  After recognizing this and knowing it was our dumb enemy and that there is NO way I will let him win, I've been able to fight back!  Good news! When we fight, we get to ask for Heavenly Father's help and Christ's help!  I started literally praying and asking Heavenly Father to be able to recognize and hear HIS voice during the day instead.  My what a difference that has made!  And it's made me wonder how often our loving, merciful FATHER is just waiting, wishing, pleading for us to hear and listen to HIS voice and not the lies of our adversary?!  I think He tries to talk to us or send us messages WAY more than we let Him or than we accept.

Also, I realized that with the huge, long list of goals I have and things I need to work on, I was just plain overwhelmed.  Though I was reading my scriptures every day and praying, let's be honest... It didn't really do much because I hardly ever gave it the time to be super meaningful this semester.  So, this past week spirituality has been my top goal and MAN!  It's probably the craziest week I've had so far in grad school with projects, tests, etc. but I feel HAPPY.  I don't feel stressed.  Like, AT ALL.  It's confusing because I literally don't know how I'm going to do everything I have to get done in the next week and a half but I'm not worried!  It's AMAZING what happens and how our entire perspective can change when we let God more fully into our lives!!

Which brings me to the main reason for my blog post hahaha #sorrynotsorry.  I was studying last night and came across Alma 15:6-12.  In the verses preceding, Zeezrom was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ill.  He had been so overcome by his sins and wrongdoings that he was in bed with a terrible fever.  He asked for Alma to come heal him and what happens in this conversation and afterwards simply amazes me:

 "6 And it came to pass that Alma said unto him, taking him by the hand: Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation? 7 And he answered and said: Yea, I believe all the words that thou hast taught. 8 And Alma said: If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed. 9 And he said: Yea, I believe according to thy words. 10 And then Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ. 11 And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk; and this was done to the great astonishment of all the people; and the knowledge of this went forth throughout all the land of Sidom. 12 And Alma baptized Zeezrom unto the Lord; and he began from that time forth to preach unto the people."

So first, Zeezrom plain believes in Alma's words. He is converted and because of that, knows Christ's Atonement is real and that he can be healed.  But  what follows is what astounds me.  Alma used his priesthood and prays to Heavenly Father to heal Zeezrom.  Alma finished the blessing and Zeezrom LEAPT out of bed and started walking.  He LEAPT.  What?!!  I'm 99.999999% sure that if I was that sick and Alma had blessed me, I would have faith in it but would probably start by sitting up in bed first.  Then I would swing my legs out of my bed one-by-one and tentatively place one foot on the floor and then the other and slowly stand up.  I would constantly be evaluating how I was feeling and be grateful to be standing.  But would I immediately LEAP out of bed?!!  Probably not.  What FAITH.  Zeezrom had barely been converted from his sinful ways and he KNEW he would be healed.  He KNEW that God would help him and he TRUSTED that enough to literally leap out of bed without testing anything first.  He knew he would have the strength; he knew he wouldn't fall; he knew that God needed him to show his faith and so he LEAPT.  Leaping demonstrates that there was no doubt in Zeezrom's mind.  Doubt and fear are what hold us back and make us hesitant.  They cause us to wait and postpone.  Leaping disregards any possible doubt, fear, or hesitancy.  It demonstrates immediate and pure faith, trust, and courage.

Lastly, when Zeezrom leapt out of bed and began to walk, he didn't go home!  He didn't say, "Wow I'm so grateful God healed me and forgave me!  I think I'm going to rest for a day because man I haven't slept and I've been pretty sick.  I'll rest up and hit the service of God hard tomorrow!"  NOPE!  No rest for Zeezrom!  He was baptized and then IMMEDIATELY began preaching the gospel.  This was an amazing reminder that we are never done serving Heavenly Father and His children.  We shouldn't ever feel like we've done enough and deserve a rest.  NO WAY JOSE.  Even Christ and Heavenly Father are working!  "This is [Their] WORK and their glory..." 

I have SO far to go haha.  But really it made me ponder about the things that are holding me back from just LEAPING in my life.  What holds me back from trusting in my Father enough to just let go, not think about it, and LEAP?  How long will I let doubt or fear prevent me from leaping?! My new goal is going to be to have the faith and courage enough to leap especially when I am tempted to be tentative or hesitant :) 

I love the Book of Mormon.  So much :) I'm grateful for the faithful prophets who labored so long and hard to engrave plates so that we could have the scriptures.  Can you imagine how tiring that must have been to slowly and tediously engrave letter by letter in a sheet of metal with a small tool?! They did it for us!  The Book of Mormon was written for OUR day and literally is the most powerful resource for change.  If you want to change, want something in your life to change, or want to help somebody else change, apply the principles of the Book of Mormon! 

"What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?" 

Let's leap :) 

Increase In Learning

After refusing to update my blog perhaps ever again (in my mind), I've succumbed to the feeling that sometimes I learn better if I express myself to others (in person, writing, etc).  Since I am currently without a roommate and alone in my room, I felt I should attempt to express myself in writing once again!  So bear with me as I begin the occasional blogging once again after my 2 year absence :)

I'm a person that loves to be with people.  I don't know why but I have a need of sharing things with others and having them do the same.  It's something I thrive on and I LOVE creating deep, lasting, eternal relationships with many people.  Anyway, one of the things I miss the most about my mission is having a person constantly at my side to do that with!  If I learned something amazing, guess what?  I can tell my companion and chances are we will launch into an inspiring spiritual conversation that will totally add to what I had just learned.  If I was feeling something and needed to share, I could tell my companion!  Happy, sad, emotional, inspired, knowledge-based, person-based, what have you, I could share with my companion and while doing so, strengthen our relationship!  It's like a win, win, win situation :)
Anyway, I think the last semesters at BYU since being back from my mission have been some of the hardest.  Not academically but because I have felt very alone.  I know that I always have Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ with me, family and friends that support me and care about me!  For that I am very grateful.  However, there is something to be said in my life for the physical presence of friends or family members that does my soul and life good!  The Lord knows what we need, though, and knew that I need certain situations to learn and grow.  Luckily, these situations have helped strengthen my relationship with Him!  This need I have was fulfilled in many ways by my work at the MTC as a Spanish teacher (the BEST thing that's happened to me since my mission and I'll have to talk about it another time!) and when I would be in His presence at the temple.  other than that, though, roommates have their own schedules, my friends are married and gone (ya---that's real when they tell you that'll happen when you're on your mission haha!), and my brother wasn't back from his mission yet.
While soon a new semester will be here and my brother and I will be living in the same apartment complex with some other amazing people and that need will be fulfilled, I have for this past week continued to feel that abrupt change and loneliness from being on vacation and with family whom I share with everyday feelings of my heart to nobody and only having my own mind to share things with.
 
That was probably the longest introduction EVER to what I'm about to write about haha!  Anyway, here I am on a Sunday afternoon alone in my apartment and with no plans, no ward activities because school is over and they are in transition mode, etc.  What do I do?  Sleep--nah, try to visit others?--thinking and thinking of who I can visit or who I know........blanking.  I decided to watch a CES devotional that I hadn't seen because I was on a mission.  Wonderful!  What now?  Then the thought comes to me, "You are always complaining about how you wish there was more time in a day so you could read everything you want to read and study, etc."  I only asked for books for my birthday!  The thought had been coming to me these past few days to pull out my new book, "Increase in Learning" by David Bednar but I hadn't because it was tucked away somewhere in one of my suitcases as I am in the process of moving.  With so many hours at my hands today, however, I felt that today I needed to heed that prompting and dig it out of my suitcase to begin studying/learning.

WOW.  Does the Lord ever inspire and guide my life.  I noticed that right away in the book, Elder Bednar mentions a scripture that was the guiding scripture of one of the sacrament meeting talks today! (D&C 19:23) The scripture touched me and made me think a lot so I wrote it down and some corresponding thoughts.  Then the book goes on to mention it as a process to learning and I knew the Lord was guiding my learning because two times in one day is not coincidence for the many scriptures there are!  On the next page or so, Elder Bednar cites a scripture in D&C and a corresponding quote from Joseph Smith that talk about "the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost".  What was the one CES devotional I chose to watch just 10 minutes earlier entitled??  "The Unspeakable Gift of the Holy Ghost"!  Sometimes I think the Lord loves showing us how much He loves us and how aware He is of our lives!  His "divine signatures" as Elder Lund likes to call them or tender mercies are always around us and today were especially present!

Then one of the first things I began reading answered one of the gospel questions I've been pondering for months now as I go to the temple and read the scriptures!!  For months now I've pondered why Heavenly Father when He goes down to visit Adam and Eve in the garden right after they had partaken of the fruit asks, "Adam where art thou?" when He perfectly knows where he is!  The only thing I have been able to think of all these months is the accountability factor.  However, Elder Bendar went on to explain that "The Father didn't ask Adam because He didn't know where he was.  The Father asks Adam because ADAM didn't know where he was!"  Their conversation and questions that followed helped Adam to realize for himself and learn as an agent.  Instead of telling him what had happened and the consequences, He helps Adam learn.
That's what I want to do as a teacher!  Instead of telling my students the answers I want to help them learn for themselves and become "agents unto themselves".

Then as I watched some video clips that go along with the movie, something that was mentioned today in church made more sense to me and was expounded upon!  Today in church, one of the speakers mentioned how truly incredible the story of Abraham and Isaac is and that we usually don't recognize the key points.  Everyone talks about how willing Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac but the fact of the matter is that Abraham knew that Isaac had to live.  All of his promises and promised blessings had to do with the seed he would have through Isaac.  So the real test of faith and marvelous point to this history is that when confronted with something that seemingly contradicted those promised blessings, Abraham had the faith that in the end, God would do something so they eventually were fulfilled. (Hebrews 11:19--Abraham thought well if Isaac dies, God will raise him from the dead, etc).  What an eternal perspective Abraham had!  He didn't get caught up in the "roadblock" but continued to exercise faith in God's promised blessings.  So, in the video clips, Elder Bednar expounds.  He said, "we have to have the faith that God CAN heal me, not that He will."  Also, "We have to know that He can and be trusting in His will and timing."  THAT, my friends = faith.  Awesome :)

I love learning!  I'm SO grateful to my Heavenly Father for directing my day in the way He would have had me learn and study and the exact things/topics He wants me to learn about!

There are many more things I learned and hope to continue to learn as I ponder and meditate and continue to read the things I have written from today.  ALSO, if you haven't read "Increase in Learning" yet by Elder Bednar, GO BUY IT ASAP.  It's incredible and filled with applicable ways to learn from our Father in Heaven the exact things we personally need in our lives to become who we need to become and fulfill our heavenly potential (which is a process of a lifetime!)  I love Elder Bednar's way of learning and teaching.  It's personally applicable.  I'm so grateful for a living prophet and apostles on this earth that lead and guide us on our earthly journey.  And grateful for a Father in Heaven that knows me, loves me, and will be my needed company as He helps me "increase in learning" to better fulfill my potential as His daughter.

In a Nutshell

Wow I'm a slacker at blogging! The school year has flown by, the summer is about over (for me) and I still have to update everyone! I leave to go on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1 week. 1 WEEK!! Crazy. I will be in the Provo MTC for 3 weeks and then will just go straight to my mission in Guayaquil, Ecuador. In a nutshell, I want to bullet point some highlights from this year. I looked back at a couple of posts when I was so sad about the changes, nervous about the upcoming year and making the decision to go on a mission or not. I just laughed because this year has been one of the greatest of my life! I learned so much and had wonderful experiences. Funny how that works sometimes :)

Highlights of this past school year/summer:

*living with my bestie, Jess and basically having the condo to ourselves because our other roommate was engaged!

*having my brother at BYU, living down the street from me, and taking classes with him

*meeting wonderful people in my major and becoming great friends

*going to Disneyland during Halloween because I had a free ticket and taking some best friends and my brothers with us

*Disneyland fireworks--holy moly these are AMAZING--I had never seen them before!

*San Pedro Sula, Honduras humanitarian trip in November--hands down the best trip we have been on because of the INCREDIBLE people we met and the eternal friendships we made on that trip (Sundwalls, Taylors, etc). Also we were able to take my grandpa and cousin, Cameron with us which was wonderful

*best Christmas break I can remember because of all the amazing family time and things we did together

*Knowing all of a sudden I needed to go on a mission

*Suddenly becoming best friends with a group of people we LOVE :)

*watching Jess's last year doing gymnastics and her being an amazing team captain

*Student Teaching 1st grade under the most amazing mentor teacher--incredible month that just confirmed my love for what I will be doing

*dating an incredible person :)

*Mission Call weekend

*Tegucigalpa, Honduras humanitarian trip and how missionary oriented it was

*going through the temple

*Jess, Scott, Adam, and Merrick visiting me in Vegas right after I got back!!

*William Fitzsimmons concert with Merrick & Jess/Scott

*being a bridesmaid in Carly's wedding and how neat it was for our family to be fully involved in celebrating their whole day--what a power couple!

*Camping trip with Jess and Scott

*Florida trip with my family

*Costa Rica with Jess, Merrick, Caity, Carley, and our 3 other friends

*weekend in Vegas to spend with Jess, Merrick, Scott, Caity, and other friends that came down for our farewell

*Farewell Sunday--how humbled we were by the support we received

*time with friends and family before we leave!

I love that in 1 1/2 months of summer I have been able to do so much and spend so much time making memories with my wonderful friends and family. I am so blessed and so excited to serve a mission. It has been extremely hard for me but I know that it is what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life and I trust in that! My mom will be posting my weekly emails on a new blog so for all updates in this next 1.5 years go to: hermanabryan.blogspot.com

Love you all :)

-Kenna

What I've Learned--Reader's Digest Version

My birth bud, Carly, works with a lady at a hospice who wants to publish a book entitled "What I've Learned". She has attempted to collect 100 responses from people about what they have learned in their lifetime. Carly offered to help and has been so diligent in asking people to contribute to their cause! I have been a slacker and waited until there were only 2 spots left to contribute but better late than never! I really enjoyed thinking about what I've learned in life and although there is much, much, much more that I have learned, I am happy with the lessons I chose to focus on and wanted to share. Also, thinking at 4:30 am must have been cleansing because I swear I had been struggling to think of what to write during the normal hours of the days!

"I have learned that change and trials, though hard, are necessary for our growth and development. That is when our character and strength are fortified and revealed. I have learned that family and true friends are the precious gems of life that stabilize, support, and help us on our earthly journeys. I have learned that life is truly beautiful when we learn to recognize the tender mercies and simple joys around us every day. I have also learned that in order to love and serve others and have them do likewise, you have to love yourself. I have learned that I am the most happy and my truest self when I am in the service of others. I have learned that happiness comes from living life to the best of our abilities, holding fast to our beliefs, families, values, and friends. Money has absolutely nothing to do with it and the happiest people are often the poorest! I have learned that fear is one of the main things that can hold us back if we let it. If we courageously do things outside of our comfort zone, we are free to be truly successful and accomplish marvelous things. I have learned that often times, we do not understand the greater picture. It is easy to get blinded by a pebble if held up to our eyes, but when cast into perspective and put back on the ground, it is merely a tiny pebble on the bigger road. Eternal and spiritual perspectives are necessary and vital to develop--allowing us to develop gratitude for and knowledge from our trials. I have learned that a sense of humor makes everything better and a healthy dose of laughter is cleansing. I have learned that it is more fun to let loose, be spontaneous, and uninhibited than to be focused on being accepted, or worried about being judged. Finally, I have learned that love is what makes the world go ‘round. It is the universal language and has no barriers. Love, in its purest form, is powerful beyond measure yet completely selfless. It enables possessors and recipients alike to reach new heights and achieve their greatest potential."
Kenna Bryan, 21, Student at Brigham Young University

Just a Rainy Day

Dear Rain,

Thank you for allowing me to wear my peacoat all day for the first time this season. Thank you also for allowing me to wear my cute boots while holding an umbrella above my head and imagining I was someplace in Europe instead of on BYU campus. Thank you for making me more in the holiday spirit and giving me images of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thank you for accenting the gorgeous fall colors Utah provides. I kind of liked you today.

Dear Complete Stranger,

Thank you for making me feel pretty as I walked to campus today. Thank you for smiling at me multiple times and then as we walked past eachother, holding my gaze until you said Hi. Thank you for being cute and making my morning when I didn't want to be on campus and was not being positive in my mind. You changed my thoughts completely around. I wish we had exchanged names but thank you for your smiles and hello on this lovely rainy day.

Dear School,

I wish you were gone sometimes. It has been such a bittersweet journey but mostly bitter the last month or so. You stress me out. I know someday I'll be grateful but why do you have to be so demanding? I will choose to focus on the wonderful things of my day instead of on you but thank you for allowing me to pursue my education in a wonderful environment.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Ok so as much as I have gotten used to "change" all the time and I don't get as sad or depressed each time--I still don't like it! I get used to things the way they are and I don't love for that to change. I'm in the same apt I was in last year with my same 1 best friend but the other one gone :( It's so weird! Also--quite a few of my best friends in the ward have moved and it feels like all new faces that know people already and it's just crazy! This will definitely take some getting used to, adjusting, putting myself out there (just like every year requires), etc. I know it will be good--I just forgot how much I don't really love this whole new change thing each start of the year comes with. That being said, however, my brother is up here now. Today we said goodbye to our family and it was his first experience doing so for an extended period of time. Man oh man do I remember that first time. I never want to feel that way again. I was so glad I could take him right up to my apartment, hand him kleenex, give him a hug, and turn on our favorite show and make dinner together to distract him a bit. He came over later on to watch a movie too :) I have a feeling I will like this family escape I have so been looking forward to! There's just something comforting about having family around.

My dad gave me one of the most beautiful blessings I think I have ever gotten today. I love father's blessings right before a new school semester or new experience or just because. He promised some wonderful things and some great counsel and I know I will have a great year if I follow that. One thing that was SO comforting was the fact that this year I am making the decision whether or not I am going to serve a mission. It's always been kind of back and forth in my mind but this is the year I am officially deciding. He promised me that when that time comes for me to make my decision, having already followed the correct steps to making decisions, that I will KNOW what I am supposed to do. I will KNOW. There have been a select few times in my life when decisions have been made that I just know it's right. I have felt right about multiple things or felt ok or good about something like it's a positive thing but I am so so extremely grateful and comforted to know that whether or not I do decide to serve a mission, I will know without a doubt the pathway my life is supposed to take. Thank you Dad for that blessing and for being worthy for such inspiration.

Also--random but I have a deeper empathy for my roommate/best friend Jessica who basically lived alone in our apartment all summer. I don't know how she dealt with that. It is so lonely and just is not fun being alone in an apartment. I'm glad she's coming home soon :)

I'm excited for this year, nervous for the year, unsure about what's ahead, but positive (and making myself try to be positive haha) about it! I know it will be good. Change is hard and never easy but that's how we grow and it always ends up being for our good--bringing with it negatives but many many positives usually.

Some Days...

Some days I miss this little boy SO much--to the point of tears.

Some days I listen to the song he used to sing -- over and over again to make me feel closer

Some days I cry thinking about how much I love the people of El Salvador and miss them all!

Some days I cry telling my mom how excited I am that cute little Ezekiel still asks about me

Some days I get so excited that he will be given this picture of us (to be delivered tomorrow!) to always remember me!

Some days all of this happens and that day was today. I love El Salvador and I love Ezekiel and I love that my mom understands when I start semi-crying telling her about random updates that I hear through Kassandra (thanks btw!)

Some days are harder than others but man what an awesome experience it all was. I love everything about El Salvador and miss it like crazy!